Febrero 12 de 2016

It's a mess. It's all so messy. I mean, I keep missing you. But I don't really want you. But I do. But I am so angry. I'm angry at you. I'm angry at myself. How did I let it get to this? I always knew, as you told me that we wouldn't go anywhere. So I was forewarned. But I let myself feel all these amazing things. I let myself get sucked into a void caused by your spirit. You are extremely attractive. Not in a physical way but in every way imaginable. You are bright, like a light. When you walk into a room, it lightens up. And it doesn't come from someone who loves you, but from someone who feels the light go on when you arrive. Well, maybe I'm the only one who sees your light. I'm not quite sure. 

Anyway, I've been trying to find a way to express myself to you but it's proven impossible. I just can't expose myself like that. I've already showed too much weakness to show more. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle your definitive rejection. And that's very stupid because I am aware that I need to get away from you. You bring out what I don't want to show. You make me feel extremely happy and unhappy all at once. You have reminded me what being a person is. And I understand if you think this statement is an exaggeration. But it's completely true. I don't want to go into the details but I used to feel nothing or the wrong thing. I used to be angry and had given up on everything but then I met you. I wanted to live. I wanted to feel. I wanted to taste every food and go to every country. 

And I envied you. I envied your freedom. Your ability to go wherever you wished to. I envied that you could do anything, how you were sure of everything and had no doubts about yourself. You had it all figured out. I admired everything about you; from your perfect hair to your free nature. So I did what anybody with an attraction would have done. I looked to know you. I met the person you are. or mostly anyway. I saw that you were no Greek Goddess. I saw that you had as many flaws as I did. I saw that you dreamed big and had goals. You had your life on track. You were seeking your goals and were achieving them. Step by step. I felt like my life was already wasted, so it made me immensely happy to see that someone was actually fulfilling her dreams. I think in a way I was living vicariously through you.   I would have never accepted it had you asked me, of course, but now I am so sure I was. You were everything I hoped I would have been had I had the courage to live fully, as I was supposed to. 

I used to think that becoming a mother had held me back. What I hadn't realized was that it was me all along. My views of me were holding me back. They still are, actually. But what to do about it? I'm still working on that. Anyway, your personality and the fact that I had never met anyone of your like made me addicted to you. My life was completely changed instantly. I discovered the pleasure of eating and that it's possible to have fun doing the most simple things. Everything doesn't have to be perfect or overwhelmingly amazing to have importance. There's a lot to enjoy from everyday life and family is extremely important. You can't go anywhere without family. And even though you didn't know it, you were teaching me that. 

Maybe I was teaching myself through you. I mean, almost every conversation with you left me thinking. You have so much wisdom but I don't think you know exactly how much wiser than the average twenty something year old you are. Or maybe you do. After all, you are good at seeing the good stuff in you. You have the biggest pride in the world. 

You have always been pushing me away but never quite let go of me.