FEELINGS

Hoy 23 de marzo de 2011 I write about feelings. Now I can tell how much pain is involved in love. I was afraid to feel love because of fear of suffering. Truth is I needed to feel love and a heart break so I could grow and mature. It’s a part of life you can’t skip. You need to learn what it feels like so you can feel empathy towards people who hurt and can’t get up. I am strong. I can get up. You feel like you can’t but it’s a matter of time. You need to heal before you can get up. I was played by a kid. That’s kind of embarrassing because before him, with older men I never fell for them and I never hurt like I did with this 18 year old. I am still hurting right now. It’s recent, so it’s normal. But truth is, I’m not ready for a full commitment relationship right now. I should concentrate in going back to school and my little girl. My 3year old daughter Is what I should focus on. My life as a professional is something I need to focus on. Trying to become a professional is not easy. But for a single mother it’s even harder. I have no Idea on how I’m going to do that. But I’ll find a way. You broke my heart in a nasty way. You made me fall for you so you could get laid. At first I wasn’t interested in anything serious. We could just have hung out. But you had to go out of your way telling me stupid things that stupid me believed. You told me you wanted something serious with me. You took me to your house. You made me think I was important to you when you loved some other girl who by the way looks like a monkey. I try not to focus on physical shit but she’s ugly.  Now I feel broken. I hurt and I blame you and only you but I’m dying to see you again. That’s the stupidity of the situation. I fell in love with an illusion. None of what I liked about you was real. I know that. My brain understands that but my heart doesn’t. What I feel is I want to see you. I want you to tell me everything is going to be alright. I want you to tell me it was all a misunderstanding and that you love me. I want to feel you kiss me. I want your hands to touch me the way they once did. I want to feel goose bumps when you touch my back, when you push my hair back so you could kiss my neck. I need to feel that. I need to feel you making love to me that way that made me so crazy. I need you to tell me those lies again. I want to believe those lies. I want all of that. It was so little time I got to spend with you, but it feels like we spent years together. It was only a week. I hate you for that. I hate you for being an ass to me. I hate you for breaking my heart. I hate you for fucking the shit out of me and leaving me the day after. What the fuck was that? At least you should have waited a couple days so it wasn’t so obvious.  But it’s okay.  Lesson learned. To all of you people out there, make sure not to fall for someone’s words. Make sure you fall in love with someone who loves you back. Be yourselves always. Don’t change any aspect of yourself for any person in the universe. I started to quit smoking because he didn’t smoke. I didn’t want to stink or taste weird for him. So I stopped smoking (kind of) With my relationship before that one I completely changed and I lost myself. For what? For nothing. You be yourself and if that person can’t live with those details about you, then you know it isn’t meant to be. Yes, accept it. Even if you want it to work so bad, if you have to change, you won’t be happy. Trust me.  No one is worth that kind of sacrifice.  JRP